I am no where near my financial goals today. I have barely even started, frankly I’m not certain that you could call where I am as started at all toward reaching them. At some point in my life, I simply made peace with “doing what I have to” in order to “survive”. Survival mode, once entered, can be a mother fucker to grow out of. I walked through that proverbial door and never looked back. My journey to my highest self, to living the life that I want to live and being the man who I want to be has truly only just begun recently. I made the decision a long time ago that I didn’t like where I was or who I was but up until just a few months ago I took no action to change any of it!
No matter how deep into survival mode I was, or I am, there is still a small amount of shame that comes with accepting assistance. I’m talking state sponsored, S.N.A.P., cash assistance, food banks etc. For me, I know I should be donating to these programs, paying obscene taxes toward them, handing out the food and not asking for it. I am capable of this, and yet because of the choices I have made thus far I am not on the side of the “fence” that I feel I should be. I am here to talk about that shame and that guilt. I am a very secure person in who I am, I love me! Therefore it is exceedingly difficult to embarrass me, I’m more likely to find the attempt hilarious than shameful! The humility that accompanies begging for food though? That negative balance in my bank account? My entire mood and vibrational frequency will drastically alter in response to these situations. When I am negative money broke, the joy is sucked out of life. I have recognized that I tie my identity closely with how much money I have in relation to 0. That isn’t to say that I feel I’m a better person when I have $3K sitting in my checking/savings account, but I 100% feel like an utter failure and disgrace to have -$0. Quite the dichotomy no?
I am working on this trait with my Therapist, though at the time of this writing she doesn’t know it yet. I refuse to call it a flaw because at this point I’m not certain that it is. My “number” where I feel most comfortable is $3,000 in the bank, in savings. If I have that amount there I feel much more capable of handling any obstacle in my way, whether money is involved or not. There haven’t been many instances in my life so far where I’ve achieved this goal, and the stress and anxiety of that fact weighs heavily upon me on a nearly daily basis. I don’t carry shame well, I rebuke it.
I have taken steps to cure this ill, small though they be action is action. I am more present and aware of the now and this helps calm the anxiety a great deal where money is concerned. Make no mistake, I will live the life that I want and I will not live with this burden for much longer! Be also assured that it has left a scar.
P.s. I asked my daughter what problem in the world she wanted to solve this evening. Her answer was to feed hungry people. She is 12, and I am proud. Then I challenged her to come up with a way to impact this issue today as a 12 year old. I’ll update you all on what she comes up with when there’s more.